Where I’m At

This year has been perhaps the second hardest of my life.

My short, easy life.

I feel like such a wimp, and a moaner and a pessimist, but this has been a genuine turning point for me.

I’m twenty-five, and somehow that makes me feel like my life is over.

It’s not, clearly, but for some reason, turning twenty-five has really made me feel my mortality. If I died tomorrow, would I be satisfied with what I’ve done? No.

I’ve battled with dissatisfaction with my job – a desire to change but no real direction for it. I’ve struggled with certain mild health issues, wanting to get fit and healthy, but finding that an uphill battle. Every few weeks I’ve posted optimistic messages on here and thought ‘now it’s all going to be better.’

It hasn’t been. I’ve spent the last week and a bit struggling not to cry most days. I wanted to throw my lovely sister out of the house because I couldn’t bear to be around people. I told my boyfriend, who I love more than anything, that I’d been thinking about leaving him.

I’m crying now writing this, pouring my heart out to the internet, and the few people I know read this blog.

Here are some facts for you:

I have been a crap girlfriend.

I have been a crap friend.

I have been a crap writer.

I have been a crap teacher.

I have been crap at everything.

But I don’t want to be. I want things to change, and no one is going to do it for me.

My poor step-dad has been trying to help motivate me to what he thinks is the right direction. I’ve been trying to take his advice, but I’m just not feeling it. I don’t know if what he wants is what I want. Mostly because I’ve been struggling to think of anything except how I’ve been feeling low level misery for most of this year.

So, I’m going to take things one day at a time. I’m going to stop worrying about the future. So I may have to stay in the job I dislike for a while yet. I’ll accept that. I’m going to dedicate what remains of my holidays to me, and what makes me happy. And I’m going to try and get some promotional stuff for my books done. Because that sort of thing makes me happy, and cultivates the sort of skills I’d like to be using in my future job, and maybe, just maybe, might net me some money to invest in training for this job.

One day at a time. Starting with tomorrow.

First thing on my list?

Buy a bin.

I’ll let you wonder what on earth that’s all about.

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2 thoughts on “Where I’m At

  1. booketta says:

    Step 1: Don’t beat yourself up. Easily said than done, I know 🙂 Be gentle with yourself and most of all be kind to yourself. If you’re not up to it, that’s okay, go with it, don’t fight it. There are good days and bad days. It’s learning how to cope with them and what works for you. Believe me, I’ve been there. Hugs 🙂

    Like

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